dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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