I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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