Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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