I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
