I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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