Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
