new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
