weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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