Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
