Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
