Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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