I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
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I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
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His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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