Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
