If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
