drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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