I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
