So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
