I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
