if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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