I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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