Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
