Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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