Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So much Jack, so little girl.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
