it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
