It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
