she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
