The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
