I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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