why didn't you poke me back
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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