Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
