She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
