It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
