I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
