Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Are my feet made of real feet?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
