Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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