conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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