I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
