Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
