I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
