i love accidental penises.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
