I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
