well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
