I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
