I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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