No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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