I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
