How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
