last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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