somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
