so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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