This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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