i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
