Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
