drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
