I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
