I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize