This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
