two words: eviction party
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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